Here is what I have and not sure the last part of it makes sense or I repeated myself. I am going to write more and maybe fix the end where I left off. Sorry for not posting for awhile but I have been exhausted with work but I will do my best to post every Friday.
Thank you all for commenting and leaving feedback for me, it helps me and I really love the feedback!!!
After walking Klohe to her house, Matt left and went home to ask his parents about things that were going on plus about Harper and who she really was.
Matt’s parents were part of the royal guard and were part of a stealth force to protect Klohe when the twins were split up at birth. Matt and his parents went to earth to keep a watchful eye on Klohe.
Matt didn’t know any of the history of Silver City until he was 8 years old and he made the same oath as his parents to protect Klohe. Matt has kept this secret from Klohe in order to protect her.
“Mom, there is a new girl at school and her name is Harper” Matt said
“Not the same Harper as Klohe’s twin?” Jen asked (Matt’s mom)
“ I believe so, Klohe says they look a lot like and Harper keeps staring at her in class”.
“Please tell me the story again why they were separated at birth” Matt asked.
“It s with the king and his sister, related by blood but different in many ways.”
August, the king had a sister who was into evil arts and practiced them. Her name was Nica and she had her eye on the throne since August became king.
Nica had tried to poison the king and his wife but they had a spy that forworned them and they lived but knew when the queen was with child that they would have to go into hiding til the child was 18 years of age.
Matt is Klohe’s childhood friend and lover Matt grew up with Klohe but his family was sent to live near the royal princess to protect her. Matt’s parents were guards back in the city and when the twin girls were born they were seperated after a few short days.
Thank you all for commenting and leaving feedback for me, it helps me and I really love the feedback!!!
After walking Klohe to her house, Matt left and went home to ask his parents about things that were going on plus about Harper and who she really was.
Matt’s parents were part of the royal guard and were part of a stealth force to protect Klohe when the twins were split up at birth. Matt and his parents went to earth to keep a watchful eye on Klohe.
Matt didn’t know any of the history of Silver City until he was 8 years old and he made the same oath as his parents to protect Klohe. Matt has kept this secret from Klohe in order to protect her.
“Mom, there is a new girl at school and her name is Harper” Matt said
“Not the same Harper as Klohe’s twin?” Jen asked (Matt’s mom)
“ I believe so, Klohe says they look a lot like and Harper keeps staring at her in class”.
“Please tell me the story again why they were separated at birth” Matt asked.
“It s with the king and his sister, related by blood but different in many ways.”
August, the king had a sister who was into evil arts and practiced them. Her name was Nica and she had her eye on the throne since August became king.
Nica had tried to poison the king and his wife but they had a spy that forworned them and they lived but knew when the queen was with child that they would have to go into hiding til the child was 18 years of age.
Matt is Klohe’s childhood friend and lover Matt grew up with Klohe but his family was sent to live near the royal princess to protect her. Matt’s parents were guards back in the city and when the twin girls were born they were seperated after a few short days.
Klohe was calm and loving but when you were around Harper, you could feel evil rolling off of her and this is why the girls were seperated. Harper lived in Europe for years and Klohe lived in America, now they have come face to face.
Klohe’s parents were not happy when they had to seperate the twin girls but they knew it had to be done and they had to take Klohe and go into hiding.
Greetings BellaCasandra:
ReplyDeleteThere is too much narrative for the backstory and it becomes confusing. Your ideas and material are interesting and would be better presented here as a dialogue. Or better yet, maybe Matt uncovers some of this information during his investigation?
There is also the Europe-America dimension issue that does not follow from your previous posts. See, for example, “The city is in another dimension and the only way to get there is by a secret entrance only located somewhere in Greece.” August 18, 2011
Wasn't August the science teacher ? Is he also a king? There is too much going on here that it doesn't make as much sense as it should. It feels as if you wrote this part of the story really fast and tried too hard to cram as much information as you could into the last few paragraphs.
My suggestions:
1) Relax -- you are a good thinker and a good writer;
2) Re-read -- always re-read your previous writing before adding additional material;
3) Take your time -- don’t rush the process just because you feel obligated to post something.
My rating: Two and one-half stars out of five on this post.
Regardless, I know you have the potential to create a great story.
huh? i dont know why but this part is very very very confusing and weird. is mr. august from the science class the king?? i think theres a couple parts missing here. how can matt forget all the history about silverstar ? & the oath he took when he was 8 ?
ReplyDeletec mon, your better than this!!! is there parts missing? maybe u wrote this when u were 2 tired from work? i still like the story just not this part b/c i dont understand it. by lily
ps. i hope i dont sound mean b/c this is just my opinion on this part pls dont hate me! thx. by lily
hi bella, i agree with the comments above and think it’s because you’re trying to do too much, too fast. you have a lot of good new material but it’s hard to follow, especially the last few paragraphs. we should be following matt in his investigation, but instead, we learn about the history of klohe, harper, their parents, matt’s parents, the king, the royal guard, nica - the evil arts sorcerer -- a lot of (too much) information presented through simple narration. see what I mean? matt should not be asking his mom to repeat information that he surely has known for many years. not only is this not believable, but it makes matt out to be less intelligent than we would have thought or want him to be.
ReplyDeletethe cure is simple: break this material up and rewrite it with more action. guide us through it as if we were part of the process so that we learn this information along the way and develop a vested interest in the story’s outcome.
while my feedback may be a little critical, it is sincerely meant to be constructive - - so don’t be discouraged and keep writing. you're doing great ;D
I’m new here and didn’t read anything before this episode. What I can say is that I find dialogue and action always better than explanation. This seems like fun fiction especially for the young adult circuit. Good luck with it !
ReplyDeleteShazbot ! The comment section is almost longer than the story update. I have nothing to add, except that ….. on Ork, if there is such a thing as a writer, they would certainly be recognized as brilliant for being able to write and understand that which confuses others.
ReplyDeleteKay-o and Na-Nu, Na-Nu :)