I added a new character to the story but I haven't named them but it's ok because it can be a mystery until I figure out the name. Also I do need to move the plot a little more because I think I am taking to long to get to the legend and the history behind it. That will be my goal, to write more on vacation and move the plot ahead.
Here it is:
After Math class, Klohe was walking down the hall to her next class when Jane bumped right into her as she rounded a corner for the science hall.
“Klohe! I am so sorry about bumping into you and about earlier but I think Matt is a bad influence on you and I really think he will hurt you.” said Jane
“Hi Jane, look I have know Matt since I was little and I trust him completely and I don’t understand why you can’t just be happy for me Jane” said Klohe
“You had the dream again, didn’t you?” asked Jane
“I did and I have extra Math homework because I fell asleep in class....” Klohe was interupted when Matt came around the corner behind Jane. Jane jumped about a foot in the air when Matt yelled....”Boo!”
“Matt! I hate you!!!” yelled Jane
“That is nothing new from yo Jane besides what are you doing in the hallway? Don’t you have some boy to impress?” asked Matt
“No I don’t and I was talking with Klohe, it’s girl talk so buzz off” said Jane with an attitude of a girl who doesn’t like to be told no.
“Stop both of you! I don’t like it when you guys act like this and really if you hate eachother that much, just marry eachother! I have science class to get to and have other things to do”
Klohe walked down to her science class and took her seat in the back where she always sits. The science teacher was weird just as everyone said.
The science teach looked over the top of his computer at Klohe but she could only see his eyes. He did this everytime she had science class and Klohe was not sure why but he did make her feel uncomfortable.
A new girl walked in with loose curls that was a deep chestnut color. She had bright brown eyes and a smile that made you feel comfortable in her presence. Klohe and he saw her hand a piece of paper to the science teacher he just nodded.
The new girl came to the back where the desks were and asked Klohe if she could sit down.
“Hi, mind if I sit here?” the new girl asked
“No, you can sit down” Klohe said.
Klohe could not take her eyes off this new girl but she didn’t know why and what was drawing Klohe to this girl? Klohe didn’t know how to open her mouth and ask the girl who she was and where she was from only because Klohe could not take her eyes off of her.
That is all I have for now but I will write some more tomorrow and the rest of the week and hopefully be able to post it.
“Klohe! I am so sorry about bumping into you and about earlier but I think Matt is a bad influence on you and I really think he will hurt you.” said Jane
“Hi Jane, look I have know Matt since I was little and I trust him completely and I don’t understand why you can’t just be happy for me Jane” said Klohe
“You had the dream again, didn’t you?” asked Jane
“I did and I have extra Math homework because I fell asleep in class....” Klohe was interupted when Matt came around the corner behind Jane. Jane jumped about a foot in the air when Matt yelled....”Boo!”
“Matt! I hate you!!!” yelled Jane
“That is nothing new from yo Jane besides what are you doing in the hallway? Don’t you have some boy to impress?” asked Matt
“No I don’t and I was talking with Klohe, it’s girl talk so buzz off” said Jane with an attitude of a girl who doesn’t like to be told no.
“Stop both of you! I don’t like it when you guys act like this and really if you hate eachother that much, just marry eachother! I have science class to get to and have other things to do”
Klohe walked down to her science class and took her seat in the back where she always sits. The science teacher was weird just as everyone said.
The science teach looked over the top of his computer at Klohe but she could only see his eyes. He did this everytime she had science class and Klohe was not sure why but he did make her feel uncomfortable.
A new girl walked in with loose curls that was a deep chestnut color. She had bright brown eyes and a smile that made you feel comfortable in her presence. Klohe and he saw her hand a piece of paper to the science teacher he just nodded.
The new girl came to the back where the desks were and asked Klohe if she could sit down.
“Hi, mind if I sit here?” the new girl asked
“No, you can sit down” Klohe said.
Klohe could not take her eyes off this new girl but she didn’t know why and what was drawing Klohe to this girl? Klohe didn’t know how to open her mouth and ask the girl who she was and where she was from only because Klohe could not take her eyes off of her.
That is all I have for now but I will write some more tomorrow and the rest of the week and hopefully be able to post it.
Hi BellaCassandra:
ReplyDeleteI like what you've written especially the legend part of the story. In my opinion (and its only an opinion), the 'Khlohe-Matt childhood friends/potential love interest' and the 'Khlohe's friends Jane and Mary hate Matt' subplots seem to be overshadowing the best part of your story -- how Klohe's legend background is going to resolve one or more greater conflicts.
You have a nice flare for telling a story and some real good imagination, but these familiar subplots do seem to drag down the story's pace, as you've noticed. But I wouldn't worry about it until you get to your first rewrite stage.
After reading your blog, a few questions I've been thinking about which may be helpful to you:
1) What is the legend? (We should really know 'something' by now)
2) Why is Klohe obsessed with learning about the legend?
3) Will finding out about the legend change Klohe? In what ways?
4) Who and/or what is Klohe going to have to fight ?
5) Will the changes in Klohe affect her current relationships and her future? How so?
I admire that you'll be using your vacation to write more and I do think you have a very good story so far.
Best,
* * *
i agree. some of the history could be cut & maybe weaved in later if needed. maybe the title will give a hint of what the novel is about. i also like the story, only i wish it had more detail about the legend. there's some mention of a family but all the characters are school friends. is Klohe an only child...i wonder? maybe the next installment will reveal more. nice work.
ReplyDeleteThank you Rus and Jonathon S, you have brought some things to my attention which is goo and I like feedback too. I have done some writing today and hopefully you will like what I have.
ReplyDelete